Contact with members of my own species frequently disappoints me.
 

Wisdom begins in knowing when and where to appear ignorant.

An Honorable Game

Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and why people who don't
  even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV? The following truisms may
  shed some light:
 
 Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of
   players being honorable people who don't need referees.
 
 Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week.
 
 Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people.  
 Professional golfers are paid in direct proportion to how well
   they play.
 
 Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight
   when they travel between tournaments.
 
 Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts because
   of another player's deal.
 
 Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the
   courses on which they play.
 
 When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back
   them.
 
 The PGA raises more money for charity in 1 year than the NFL
   does in 2.
 
 You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any
   tournament, including the majors, all day every day for $25 or $30. The
   cost for even a nosebleed seat at the Super Bowl cost around $300 or more
   unless you  buy it from scalpers in which case it's $1,000+.
 
 You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course,
   watch the best in the world and not spend a small fortune on food and
   drink. Try that at one of  the taxpayer funded baseball or football
   stadiums.   If you bring a soft drink into a ballpark, they'll give you
   two options-  get rid of it or leave.
 
 In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a
   season, like the best baseball hitters   (.300 batting average) do.
 
 Golf doesn't change its rules to attract fans.
 
 Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week.
 
 Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.
 
 Golf doesn't have free agency.
 
 In their prime, Palmer, Norman, and other stars, would shake
   your hand and say they were happy to meet you.
   In his prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me
   Alone."
 You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a
   tournament.
 
 At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums
   and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty
   name calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you.
 
 Tiger hits a golf ball over twice as far as Barry Bonds hits a
   baseball.
 
 Golf courses don't ruin the neighborhood.
 
  And Finally :
 
   Here's a little slice of golf history that you might enjoy.
 
 Why do golf courses have 18 holes - not 20, or 10, or an even
  dozen?   During a discussion among the club's membership board at St.
  Andrews in 1858,a senior member pointed out that it takes exactly 18
  shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch.  By limiting himself to only one
  shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished
  when the Scotch ran out.
 
 Now you know.

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A Valuable Lesson

148 Thesis Defense Ideas

1. "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National Anthem."

2. Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee.

3. "Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast question.

4. Describe parts of your thesis using interpretive dance.

5. "Musical accompaniment provided by..."

6. Stage your own death/suicide.

7. Lead the spectators in a Wave.

8. Have a sing-a-long.

9. "You call THAT a question? How the hell did they make you a professor?"

10. "Ladies and Gentlemen, as I dim the lights, please hold hands and concentrate so that we may channel the spirit of Lord Kelvin..."

11. Have bodyguards outside the room to "discourage" certain professors from sitting in.

12. Puppet show.

13. Group prayer.

14. Animal sacrifice to the god of the Underworld.

15. Sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc.

16. "I'm sorry, I can't hear you - there's a banana in my ear!"

17. Imitate Groucho Marx.

18. Mime.

19. Hold a Tupperware party.

20. Have a bikini-clad model be in charge of changing the overheads.

21. "Everybody rhumba!!"

22. "And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids..."

23. Charge a cover and check for ID.

24. "In protest of our government's systematic and brutal oppression of minorities..."

25. "Anybody else as drunk as I am?"

26. Smoke machines, dramatic lighting, pyrotechnics...

27. Use a Super Soaker to point at people.

28. Surreptitiously fill the room with laughing gas.

29. Door prizes and a raffle.

30. "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer..."

31. "And now, a word from our sponsor..."

32. Present your entire talk in iambic pentameter.

33. Whine piteously, beg, cry...

34. Switch halfway through your talk to Pig Latin. Or Finnish Pig Latin.

35. The Emperor's New Slides ("only fools can't see the writing...")

36. Table dance (you or an exotic dancer.)

37. Fashion show.

38. "Yo, a smooth shout out to my homies..."

39. "I'd like to thank the Academy..."

40. Minstrel show (blackface, etc...)

41. Previews, cartoons, and the Jimmy Fund.

42. Pass the collection basket.

43. Two-drink minimum.

44. Black tie only.

45. "Which reminds me of a story - A Black guy, a Chinese guy, and a Jew walked into a bar..."

46. Incite a revolt.

47. Hire the Goodyear Blimp to circle the building.

48. Release a flock of doves.

49. Defense by proxy.

50. "And now a reading from the Book of Mormon..."

51. Leave Jehovah's Witness pamphlets scattered about.

52. "There will be a short quiz after my presentation..."

53. "Professor Robinson, will you marry me?"

54. Bring your pet boa.

55. Tell ghost stories.

56. Do a "show and tell".

57. Food fight.

58. Challenge a professor to a duel. Slapping him with a glove is optional.

59. Halftime show.

60. "Duck, duck, duck, duck... GOOSE!"

61. "OK - which one of you farted?"

62. Rimshot.

63. Sell those big foam "We're number #1 (sic." hands)

64. Pass out souvenir matchbooks.

65. 3-ring defense.

66. "Tag - you're it!"

67. Circulate a vicious rumor that the Dead will be opening, making sure that it gets on the radio stations, and escape during all the commotion.

68. Post signs: "Due to a computer error at the Registrar's Office, the original room is not available, and the defense has been relocated to (Made-up non-existent room number."

69. Hang a piñata over the table and have a strolling mariachi band.

70. Make each professor remove an item of clothing for each question he asks.

71. Rent a billboard on the highway proclaiming "Thanks for passing me Professors X, Y, and Z" - BEFORE your defense happens.

72. Have a make-your-own-sundae table during the defense.

73. Make committee members wear silly hats.

74. Simulate your experiment with a virtual reality system for the spectators.

75. Do a soft-shoe routine.

76. Throw a masquerade defense, complete with bobbing for apples and pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.

77. Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points.

78. "The responsorial psalm can be found on page 124 of the thesis..."

79. Tap dance.

80. Vaudeville.

81. "I'm sorry Professor Smith, I didn't say 'SIMON SAYS any questions?'. You're out."

82. Flex and show off those massive pecs.

83. Dress in top hat and tails.

84. Hold a pre-defense pep rally, complete with cheerleaders, pep band, and a bonfire.

85. Detonate a small nuclear device in the room. Or threaten to.

86. Shadow puppets.

87. Show slides of your last vacation.

88. Put your overheads on a film strip. Designate a professor to be in charge of turning the strip when the tape recording beeps.

89. Same as #88, but instead of a tape recorder, go around the room making a different person read the pre-written text for each picture.

90. "OK, everybody - heads down on the desk until you show me you can behave."

91. Call your advisor "sweetie".

92. Have everyone pose for a group photo.

93. Instant replay.

94. Laugh maniacally.

95. Talk with your mouth full.

96. Start speaking in tongues.

97. Explode.

98. Implode.

99. Spontaneously combust.

100. Answer every question with a question.

101. Moon everyone in the room after you are done.

102. "Laugh, will you? Well, they laughed at Galileo, they laughed at Einstein..."

103. Hand out 3-D glasses.

104. "I'm rubber, you're glue..."

105. Go into labor (especially for men..

106. Give your entire speech in a "Marvin Martian" accent.

107. "I don't know - I didn't write this."

108. Before your defense, build trapdoors underneath all the seats.

109. Swing in through the window, yelling a la Tarzan.

110. Lock the department head and his secretary out of the defense room. And the coffee lounge, the department office, the copy room, and the mail room.  Heck, lock them out of the building. And refuse to sell them stamps.

111. Roll credits at the end. Include a "key grip", and a "best boy".

112. Hang a disco ball in the center of the room. John Travolta pose optional.

113. Invite the homeless.

114. "I could answer that, but then I'd have to kill you"

115. Hide.

116. Get a friend to ask the first question. Draw a blank-loaded gun and "shoot" him. Have him make a great scene of dying (fake blood helps.. Turn to the stunned audience and ask "any other wise-ass remarks?"

117. Same as #116, except use real bullets.

118. "Well, I saw it on the internet, so I figured it might be a good idea..."

119. Wear clown makeup, a clown wig, clown shoes, and a clown nose. And nothing else.

120. Use the words "marginalized", "empowerment", and "patriarchy".

121. Play Thesis Mad Libs.

122. Try to use normal printed paper on the overhead projector.

123. Do your entire defense operatically.

124. Invite your parents. Especially if they are fond of fawning over you. ("We always knew he was such an intelligent child")

125. Flash "APPLAUSE" and "LAUGHTER" signs.

126. Mosh pit.

127. Have cheerleaders. ("Gimme an 'A'!!")

128. Bring Howard Cosell out of retirement to do color commentary.

129. "I say Hallelujah, brothers and sisters!"

130. Claim political asylum.

131. Traffic reports every 10 minutes on the 1's.

132. Introduce the "Eyewitness Thesis Team". Near the end of your talk, cut to Jim with sports and Alison with the weather.

133. Live radio and TV coverage.

134. Hang a sign that says "Thank you for not asking questions"

135. Bring a microphone. Point it at the questioner, talk-show style.

136. Use a TelePromTer

137. "Take my wife - please!"

138. Refuse to answer questions unless they phrase the question as a limerick.

139. Have everyone bring wine glasses. When they clink the glasses with a spoon, you have to kiss your thesis. Or your advisor.

140. Offer a toast.

141. Firewalk.

142. Start giving your presentation 15 minutes early.

143. Play drinking thesis games. Drink for each overhead. Drink for each question. Chug for each awkward pause. This goes for the audience as well.

144. Swoop in with a cape and tights, Superman style.

145. "By the power of Greyskull..."

146. Use any past or present Saturday Night Live catchphrase. Not.

147. Stand on the table.

148. "You think this defense was bad? Let me read this list to show you what I COULD have done..."

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